The Important Role of Bystanders – Teaching Great Kids How to Beat Bullying

There are lots of reasons why kids don’t get involved when they witness an incident of bullying.

They may be worried about getting victimized themselves, they may not believe that they have the power to do anything or they may just not know what to do. But kids who passively observe bullying are harmed by it, just as the victims are harmed, and in truth, bystanders are a lot less passive and a whole lot more involved in the situation than they might, at first glance, appear to be.

Fortunately, kids that are taught how and encouraged to help the victims of bullying can do a great deal to reduce incidents of bullying, while staying safe themselves.

Why To Get Involved

There are 2 great reasons for kids to get involved when they see bullying as bystanders:

Firstly, studies show that 85% of bullying incidents get witnessed by other kids and no adults¹, and that 57% of the time, when one or more bystanders intervenes in an incident of bullying, the bullying stops within 10 seconds.²
Secondly, kids who witness bullying but who don’t intervene are at risk for a lot of the same types of problems experienced by the bullying victims. Bystanders can feel guilt, fear and anxiety and these feelings can be long lasting and harmful.

Why Kids Don’t Get Involved

Most kids know bullying is wrong, but most kids don’t get involved when bystanders witnessing an incident of bullying. Reasons kids give for not getting involved include:

Being afraid of retribution from the bully
Being afraid of becoming a victim of the bullying too
Not knowing what to do
Not believing that anything they could do would have any positive results
Not liking the victim
Liking the bully
Thinking it’s none of their business
Don’t want to tattle, don’t want to be labeled a tattler
Don’t believe that adults could stop it
They enjoy watching the bullying
The bully is more popular

The Different Types of Bystanders

Most bullying occurs in front of peers, but bystanders, for the most part, are less passive and more involved than they might seem. Some different roles bystanders play in the perpetuation of bullying are:

Henchmen or assistants to the bully – these bystanders don’t start the bullying, but once it’s going on, they get involved in support of the bully
Supporters – these bystanders support the bullying but they do not get actively involved in its perpetration
Passive supporters – these bystanders support and like the bullying but do not display any open support
Disengaged onlookers – these bystanders show or feel neither support or opposition to the bullying
Possible defender bystanders – these bystanders don’t like the bullying and feel like they should stop it; but don’t
Defender bystanders – these bystanders take a stand and get involved in defense of the victim, against the bully³

What Parents Can Do to Help

Firstly, it’s important that your son or daughter knows that you would want him or her to help!

Don’t assume that they know this – tell them directly. In Australian research, one factor that was found to increase the likelihood a bystander would act to help a bully victim was reporting having parents that would expect such assistance behavior.¹

Teach Children to Recognize Bullying

Talk to your kids about bullying so that they can recognize it when they see it. Bullying is a behavior:

Perpetrated by a stronger victim over a weaker one (stronger can refer to physical strength, but bullies may also be stronger socially, more popular, more intelligent, etc.)
Is intended to cause harm or pain
Occurs repeatedly

Teach Children to Intervene

Don’t ask your kids to put themselves in physical danger. Tell them that if they are at all worried about getting bullied or assaulted for intervening then they should simply report the bullying to an adult.However, if your child feels confident enough to do so, encourage them to try to put a stop to incidents of bullying by:

Asking the bully to stop (“Stop that!”)
Labeling the behavior as bullying (“You’re a bully!”)
Giving the bully a cold and unimpressed look while they are behaving badly
Being a friend to the victim and taking him out of the situation
Never watching idly by as an audience member - Bullies thrive on shows of power before an audience, so if you and your friends don’t stand around to watch, the bully doesn’t get as much out of the behavior²

Teach Children that Reporting an Incident of Bullying Is Not Tattling

Kids tattle on other kids when they want to get someone in trouble. But when a bystander gets help from a teacher, parent or other trusted adult to help put a stop to bullying, they are doing a great service of help to the victim and even helping the bully avoid getting in even bigger trouble down the road.

Teach kids also that although bystanders can do a lot to put a stop to bullying through personal intervention, that violence of physical intervention are never a good idea and that when things get physical, it’s always time to get an adult involved.

Ask your child to think about who they would report to, to stop bulling, and encourage them to have the strength and resolve to act, by reporting bullying and violence, when needed.

Teach and Encourage Empathy

Ask your child to imagine how a child being bullied might feel. Encourage your child not only to intervene during an act of bullying but also after the fact with small gestures of friendship and support that can mean the world to a person enduring a bully.

Telling a bully victim, for example, that you know a vicious rumor being spread about her is not true and that no one really believes it anyway is a small and non costly gesture of support that really help to alleviate some of the pain suffered by a bully victim.