What you do really annoys me!

Question

I really love my wife but I don’t always love living with her. There are a thousand little things that she does that irritate me to no end. I like to eat my breakfast in peace in the morning but the sound of her chewing her bagel and cream cheese is horrendous. Petty stuff right? I know I am being stupid but I find that all the little annoyances lead me to treat her less affectionately and that this has ripple effects that run deep. I get it now how they talk about how one partner leaving the toothpaste lid off the tube can end a marriage. The problem is stupid but I can’t deny its impact. The problem is wholly mine as well, so I want to change for the better. The problem is I don’t know how to. What can I do to be less bothered by these trivial things that right now bother me so much? I am willing to work with a professional if necessary.

Jill Edwards · Accepted Answer

I have been working in my mind to understand what is possibly going on for you and these are some of the scenarios:

You could like things to be precisely correct for yourself and because she like most human beings is not perfect you could find her behaviour irritating. The question here is are you as demanding with other people as you are with her. Are you as demanding for yourself as you are with her. If this an OCD type problem, you will probably find professional help useful.

Your wife may remind you of someone who has made you unhappy in a particular way, so what she does is triggering memories which you do not like. You two may come from different cultures/class groups and may have different ideas about how you should behave in different circumstances. Perhaps if you could look at the behaviour as not hers but belonging to a different group, that may help.

You may be angry about some other issue which has not been resolved and it is coming up in this way. She may be angry with you and not able to speak about it, but be generating anger in other kinds of behaviour.

Clearly, there are no clear communications between you on this and probably on other issues. It may be worthwhile finding out how she is feeling about things, how she feels the relationship is going for her. I would suggest that you keep a diary of the annoyances and then you can get an overall picture. Writing them down may reduce the level of your involvement in annoyance and give you some insight.

You could balance things out be having quality time with her where these annoyances would not surface. If you are unable to resolve the issue, I would suggest that you find some face to face counseling to work your way towards a solution for your both.

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