Trauma & Letting Go

Question

I used to have crushes on people and had relationships in high school and I have been in love, I think, but never in a serious relationship as a so-called adult. I had a really messy ugly relationship in my first year of college and it ended with him abusing and controlling me. Not pleasant and so I decided to forget dating for a while and concentrate on my studies. So that’s worked out well except here I am, 9 years later, with a graduate degree and a very good job, and no love life at all. I have been on a few blind dates but that’s about it. I want a relationship but the issue is I feel nothing inside for any man I ever meet. I feel dead inside in this way and I hate it but I am at a loss on how to wake myself up so I can feel love again. I am an icicle and I want to be lava.

Maria Rothenburger · Accepted Answer

Hi Anonymous,

It sounds like you've had some serious trauma, which is preventing you from allowing yourself to fall in love again (i.e. be vulnerable...it's a pretty scary thing). I would recommend you seek counseling to work through your past experiences and to help you learn to stop letting them control you and to let them go so there's room for more love. The "feeling dead" inside sounds like an automatic, reflexive response to men, because you've been hurt by a man. It's just a defense mechanism and can absolutely be reversed. Other resources are hypnotherapy and perhaps a support group for other women like you.

All the best,

~Maria

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