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Dear Dr. Brodsky,
For the past few moments I have been plagued by uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. It started out with me fearing that I was gonna run people over with my car. I knew I wouldnt, but I would always fear that I would lost control over myself. While driving down residential streets, I sometimes drive on the wrong side of the road, if I see someone walking on the side of the street. This feeling has subsided to some extent, but it still exists. After that, I had this fear that I was gonna hurt others. That I would punch someone in the face, particularly someone smaller, and more defenseless then myself. These thoughts for the most part have left me, and I dont have to think about controlling myself or being aware of every single moment. Then I had the thought, that I might get brain damage, I read articles about brain damage which triggered this fear of getting hit in the head, I became even more cautious whenever I washed my head, I was constantly aware of how rigorously I was doing it. For one day, I had to worry about walking throught doors, making sure nothing touched my head. For a second there, I even became self aware whenever putting my headphones on, making sure my hands did not brush my temple instead of my ears. I dont feel that self aware of these actions anymore, I cant wear my headphones with easy.
Then these thoughts (while still there to some extent), they started to get sexual. I got nervous when I saw some other guys at the gym. In a later incident, I started sweating profusely at the gym, and felt like I got really warm all of a sudden, and I could not concentrate on what I was doing, I was just going through the motions. At home, I guess you can say, I started to "test myself". Looked at pictures of the same sex, to see if they brought up any feelings. Even affected me when I started watching pornography, my concentration went away from the girl a lot. I guess its safe to say I am a porn addict. I watch too much, and I dont know maybe I am desensitized. I dont know if desensitization is something that leads to same sex fantasies, I am sure plenty of people watch too much pornography but it never leads them to even think about same sex fantasies. I thought that was me until a while ago. I felt like I started to get a strange feeling in my testicular region. But sometimes it was there in the presence of these fantasies. Sometimes it wasnt. Sometimes I got it when I was thinking of straight sex, and straight porn. Sometimes I even feel like I enjoy the same sex fantasies more.
For 23 years of my life, I hadnt even thought about it, and now it brings up questions. Was I in denial the whole time. Did I subconsciously prevent myself from thinking these thoughts all these years. Throughout my time growing up and college, all I thought about in terms of romantic relationships and sex, was women. Now I feel like I am lost. Even when I look at a woman now, I think to myself, Am I attracted to her, or am I convincing myself that I am, just to make myself feel better. Maybe its both, I just dont know. These thoughts have made me avoid the gym sometimes, or I try to go at earlier or different times. The thoughts plague me everyday, I will even think of events in the past, that may somehow be an indicator, and then I realize it wasnt, and then I am relieved for a couple hours, until another thought pops up in my head. On some days I think there is just no way, I love women too much. But then other times I feel like I need to be honest with myself, and that maybe I am just not being honest. It even affects me when I jog around the park, I start to get these thoughts, and then I just lose the motivation to continue. I get filled with dread, shame, disgust. I feel unworthy and undeserving of anything. The only time the feeling subsides greatly is when I am in the presence of friends or close family, thats when I feel like myself. Every other time, its just me with my thoughts, trying to fight them off.
I am emailing you today, because I read about you on Psychology Today. I thought maybe you would have some insight on this matter. Its all very stressful, as I am preparing for the most important exam of my life (the LSAT for law school). I wanted to put off any form of therapy until after I was done taking my exam, and was satisfied with my score, but now I dont know if I should hold off. I dont know if my sexual thoughts have any correlation to other thoughts or if thats just a personal matter of someone with an identity crisis or who has just not been honest with myself. Maybe you can help me figure out what are the potential possibilities for these thoughts. I understand expecting a consultation via email is not ideal, I am saving up money for actually therapy. I just need to express my thoughts, and get some opinion from someone who could potentially point me in the right direction. I greatly appreciate your time, and I apologize in the event that I completely wasted your time.
Sincerely,
Jacob
email: kakabaka91@yahoo.com
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