Ari Hahn
VerifiedLCSW, Ph.D.
Clinical Social Worker/Therapist
Morristown, New Jersey, USA
Answers questions in Couples Counseling · Depression · Living With An Addict
What I do
Ari Hahn, Ph.D., LCSW has been dedicated to helping people for over four decades. His greatest passion is to see people move from suffering to feeling great. He has worked in multiple settings and clinics, as a therapist, supervisor, clinical director and taught psychology at a NYC college. Currently, he is 100% dedicated to helping individuals find the skills and resources to feel good again.
My story
I am a professional helper since 1976 and an LCSW since 1991. I have an online practice for people in New Jersey. Using the most effective forms of psychotherapy I have helped hundreds of people overcome depression, anxiety, trauma, and repair relationships problems. If you are willing to do the work with me, I can help you also.
Why life is worth living
we can always learn to savor the good and learn to flourish and thrive.
Treatment Offered
Specialties
Therapy approaches
Patient population
Modalities
Articles(20)
Mindset for Marital Success - The 10 Elements of Successful Marriages
Although nobody can guarantee a successful marriage, here are the attitudes you need as a couple to build a happy lifetime partnership.
Read article →Addiction in the Elderly - Is Grandma Addicted?
Why do older people become addicts? What drugs are they likely to abuse? What to do if you suspect your beloved senior citizen relative is using drugs.
Read article →Mindfulness and Depression: Learning to Feel Good Again
How Mindfulness can overcome depression, teach us how to ignore unwanted thoughts and help us choose what is healthy for ourselves.
Read article →Ketamine for Bipolar: Potential Risks and Benefits
There have been recent reports about how Ketamine, also known as "Special K", has surprisingly quick and positive effects on the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Many people might be tempted to try it. What is Ketamine? Is there evidence of its effectiveness? Is it worthwhile? For whom might it be worthwhile?
Read article →Does Swearing Make You Feel Better, and Can You Get Addicted to Swearing?
Recent research shows that swearing and cursing actually relieve pain. Should we use it and does that make it a good thing? Maybe it is like a narcotic. Here's a way to understand this and to begin to think of other ways to relieve pain.
Read article →Your Partner Has a Gambling Problem: Here's How to Help
If your partner has a gambling problem here are 5 tips for bettering the situation.
Read article →Seven Habits of Highly Successful Couples
Experience and research identify seven factors that keep a relationship going. Cultivate these habits and stay with your partner forever.
Read article →Don't Let Grudges and Past Anger Poison Your Relationship - Learn How to Let Go
Pent up anger and long held grudges can kill a relationship. Learn why we keep that anger and how to change for the better.
Read article →Thought Field Therapy (TFT) - Energy Psychology: A Quick Cure?
Can you be cured of a phobia, fear, anxiety or even PTSD in a few short sessions? New evidence indicates that it might be possible.
Read article →Four Ways to Be More Assertive in Your Relationship
Resentment grows when you always give-in. Save your relationship by taking care of yourself while staying considerate to your partner's needs. Here are 4 ways to get started.
Read article →Treat PTSD with MDMA? The Research Case for Using Ecstasy in Trauma Therapy
Drugs have been used to facilitate psychotherapy. MDMA has such a history and such a potential. What is MDMA, how is it used, and why might it be effective?
Read article →Job Loss and Marriage - 8 Tips for Coping with Unemployment Stress
With the ongoing financial crisis and loss of jobs and unemployment benefits, a marriage can be stressed to the breaking point. Here are 8 marriage-protecting tips to help you cope - and thrive - through hard financial times.
Read article →Building an Intercultural Relationship - Overcoming Differences
All couples have differences. When the partners come from different cultures the differences are more pronounced. Learn about the 4 styles of intercultural relationships and about how to cope with (and celebrate!) differences.
Read article →Teens and Marijuana Causes Thinking Problems in Adults
With the rise in adolescent marijuana use and the movement to legalize the drug there is a need to take a careful look at the consequences legalization might have on our youth. Recent evidence show the danger of long term irreversible cognitive damage. Steps need to be taken to prevent legal development from harming our young citizens.
Read article →How to Handle a College Roommate Who Abuses Drugs or Alcohol
Your drug and alcohol using roommate disrupts your studies. What should you do? Here are 3 ways to handle this situation.
Read article →That Will Teach You! Why Punishment Damages Relationships
The silent treatment, the cold shoulder...the sofa banishment - though punishment can work in the short-term, it harms your relationship. Learn better ways to interact.
Read article →Taking Care of Yourself When a Loved One Has Bipolar
Living with a person with bipolar is overwhelming. We often neglect ourselves and this can lead to burnout. Here are some tips for caring for yourself when the goal is to help a love one who has bipolar disorder.
Read article →Understanding Internet Addiction - Why It's So Addictive
Why is the internet addictive? Is it a real problem? How do you know if you (or somebody else) has the problem?
Read article →Internet Addiction: Warning Signs and Treatment Options
How do you know when a lot becomes too much? Five ways to identify an internet addiction and what to do if have one.
Read article →The Four Styles of Marital Relationships - Balance the Styles and Improve Your Relationship
There are 4 styles of relationships in a marriage. None are all good or all bad - the trick is in finding a balance! Learn about the 4 different styles and about how you can incorporate all into your romantic relationship.
Read article →
Answered Questions(39)
Becoming a parent after an alcohol addiction
Due to my alcoholism for the last 12 years my children had to spend a lot more time taking care of me than I took care of them. I thought I was a fun dad. I did not see this at the time but when I look back at it me getting drunk and playing in the pool with them was not really being a dad and them helping turn me over on my side on the couch when I passed out so I would not choke on my throw up was not their job as kids (and I could provide many examples like this unfortunately). Now I am 9 months sober but my children still look carefully at my eyes when I come in after work and I can feel them smelling my breath whenever we are in close quarters. When I am in a bad mood they try to cheer me up but they do it in a way that is from fear that I will drink. I wish they could stop being so afraid. I feel shame and guilt every time I see them afraid because of me. It actually makes me want a drink more than anything else. They are so used to looking after me and worrying for me that they cannot stop it even after nearly a year without a drink. How can I stop them from trying to parent me? I don’t deserve them and I don’t deserve a chance to be their dad but since I have it I want to make up for the past.
Read answer →How can a severely traumatized child recover?
How likely is it that a child with complex PTSD from some really bad traumatic abuse for the first 7 years of his life can make a full recovery (to about 90%) or so by the time he is an adult? This is regarding a fostering and adoption scenario and regarding making reasonable expectations. It wont’ change that we love him and will raise him anyway.
Read answer →Nightmares and Depression
Can bad dreams be an early warning sign of depression? For the last few months I have started having unpleasant dreams a lot. I didn’t used to remember my dreams in the morning but now I do and they kind of taint the way my day gets started. They kind of cling to me and pull me down a bit. What could be causing this? I am not on any new medications and my routines have not changed in any significant ways?
Read answer →Manipulation, threats and control
How do you deal with a person that continually threatens to harm themselves as way to manipulate and control you?
Read answer →Hubby Quits Pot - Yells at Me a Lot!
My husband is a marijuana addict. He started smoking when he was 14 and he is still smoking now that he is 32. Now he is trying to quit. We have 2 children and I made an decision that I was not going to put up with marijuana in the house any longer. They are 6 and 8 and they are old enough to start to suspect that something is wrong with their dad when his eyes are all red and also it gives him mood swings and they never know what they are going to get with him. It is not good for them. Now he has not smoked for three weeks. He is so grouchy all the time. He blows up at me for any little thing. When I get angry about how he is treating me he never fails to remind me that I am the reason why he is in such a bad mood. I kind of think that he is not grouchy from quitting any more and that he is just getting revenge on me for making him stop. Should he still be so angry all the time after three weeks?
Read answer →Can "Ecstacy" help trauma victims?
What do you think about the practice of using MDMA therapeutically for PTSD? I am in Toronto and they are doing a lot of experiments with it here.
Read answer →Druggie brother is ruining my relationship with Mom and Dad
My 26 year old brother has been in and out of treatment for heroin and other drugs several times. He has overdosed two times, the most recent being a week ago. He lives with my parents. I have two kids myself (9 and 8). My mother is taking it personal that I don't allow my kids over there. I don't see things getting better..they say things like, we are just happy he is alive and if he is alive there is hope. My relationship with my parents has deteriorated...I had to distance myself, and of course my kids are missing out on a close relationship with their grandparents. What to do...i lose sleep over this!
Read answer →Drugs in the underwear drawer: Is it a problem?
My wife is a recovering alcoholic. I found a bottle of percocets in her underwear drawer. She doesn’t have any pain problems and the fact that she kept the pills hidden where I never normally look rather than in the medicine cabinet speaks volumes (I was only in there at all because I wanted to surprise her with some new lingerie and needed to find out sizing information). When I confronted her on this she admitted that she took one once in a while when she was having a very hard day. She says she’s had the pills for over a year and she only took one once in a while, a couple a month or so. She said she didn’t want me to worry and that she was embarrassed by her need for this but that it was either bend once in a while with a pill when things got too heavy or break entirely and fall back into drinking (which was very bad). I can understand because I will have a joint every once in a while to take the edge off and sometimes it helps. But I do not have an addictive personality like her, though she has been doing so good for so long. Do you think she needs to get back to do another treatment program? She was at Caron 7 years ago.
Read answer →Gimme an anti-depressant that feels like cocaine
Are there any anti depressants that increase dopamine in the brain? I have done cocaine and methamphetamine in the past and both made me feel very good. I am now struggling with what I think is depression. If anti depressant medications could give me a way to feel like I did on coke for a lasting time then I would be very interested in trying this out. I know that they mostly increase serotonin levels. If dopamine is what makes me feel good why don’t anti depressants increase dopamine?
Read answer →Happy Birthday, Alcoholic Brother?
My youngest brother (51) is a raging alcoholic. We were very close when we were growing up, but have been estranged for over a year now. He cut me out of the loop because I told him he needed help. He told me to mind my own business and not to contact him ever again. Of course I feel guilty but I have adhered to his wishes. However, his birthday is coming up and I am wondering if I should send him a birthday card. If so, what do I say in the card, or should I just sign my name and tell him best wishes for a happy birthday
Read answer →Mother a slave to drunken brother
I'm hoping you can help me. My 52-year-old brother is an alcoholic who lives with my 80-year-old mother. He has been an alcoholic for years, with a few sober moments in between. My father passed 2-1/2 years ago, and my brother has pretty much been drunk ever since. He is destroying my mom, her house, etc. I have BEGGED my mother to throw him out, but she refuses. I think she has convinced herself that she can "save" him. Yet, I think the ony chance he has is to suffer the consequences of his drinking. I live one mile away, and feel totally helpless. My mother isn't interested in being educated about alcoholism. She still thinks he will one day wake up and quit drinking simply because she has asked him to!!! The entire situation makes me sick to my stomach. He passes out in the garage, and my mother works for hours to drag him back into the house. He sits in a chair and pees himself, and my mother works to get him into his bedroom, then goes about cleaning everything up behind him. I am looking for information on how I can learn to cope with and/or accept this situation. I worry about both of them constantly. I can see sadness and sorrow all over my mother, but cannot get her to toss him out. At this point, I have nothing but contempt for my brother, especially when I see what he is doing to her and how he speaks to her. Please point me in the right direction.
Read answer →Welcome home to the abusive son.
My son is coming home from prison in 3 weeks. He was physically abusive to me before going to jail but that was because he was using so much meth and crack he didn't even have much of a grip on reality anymore. He says he is clean now and he has been working an addiction recovery program in prison. He is asking if he can come home to live with me again since he has nowhere else to go. I want to help him but I am scared it will turn out like last time. Is there anything I can do to help him stay off drugs so he can stay with me without getting violent?
Read answer →I think I'm Dying. Enjoy?
I have liver cancer. I probably have less than a year to live. I do not really know how to deal with this. How do I come to terms with this so I can deal with this and get as much enjoyment as I can out of my last year? I have mobility issues that make getting to an office difficult.
Read answer →Losing my lovers, loving my alcoholic mom
I have had some difficulty maintaining romantic relationships. I can start in with them but they rarely last more than a month or two before something goes really badly. I read about the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics and some of what was on the list really described me, like I lie instead of telling truth, even when it makes no sense to, I am way too serious and have a hard time letting go and having fun and I am loyal to people even when they don’t really deserve my loyalty. My mom was (is) an alcoholic but I never thought that it was something that was affecting me. She drank a lot and was unreliable but I am very used to her ways and she is still a sweet person and I love her. There are no dark issues lurking below the surface. Could my childhood growing up with an alcoholic be affecting my relationships today? It would feel weird going to an ALANON meeting or something, since I don’t really have any problems with my mom.
Read answer →How do I live with an abusive demented mother?
My 75 year old alcoholic mom broke her hip while drunk 6 weeks ago. She is due to be released from the hospital in the next couple of weeks. Her therapy assessment indicates that she is not longer capable of living on her own. I had not had much contact with her for a while and she is also clearly having some issues with dementia, probably alcohol related. I do not have a good relationship with my mother. She is an abusive person. She physically abused me as a young child and has been verbally abusive to me my whole adult life. Because of this I have basically cut her out of my life. Now she has nowhere else to go and no money to pay for any care. I have put her on a waiting list for a public long term care facility but I am told the waiting list is about a year to get in. It looks like the only place she can go from the hospital is to stay with me. I don’t know how I am going to make it through the next year. I know that I have to do this (I have decided that I have to, even though I don’t want to) but she is still very abusive to me and to especially to my husband, who is a saint for allowing me to bring her in. How can we survive this next year as a family without losing our sanity to this terrible woman? I am not sure we are going to be able to do this…
Read answer →Brother in law stealing prescription drugs
My brother in law has a history with addiction. I am at present living with my sister and her family in their guest cottage as health issues have left me unable to work. I am forever grateful for their help and I don’t know where I would be without them. They are also all lovely people and I am happy to have them in my life. My sister and her husband are much younger than I am and still working. I have lupus and I take several analgesics for pain. Some are opiods. Over the last couple of months I have started to notice that my prescriptions were running out a little faster than I thought they would. It is not really a problem for me since I have a wide discretion over how much pain medication I want to take and I don’t usually use nearly as much as I am prescribed. I just prefer to feel clear headed I suppose even if at the cost of a little discomfort. My brother in law comes into my cottage daily to help me tidy the place up and to help with little odds and ends and we usually sit and have a coffee together after. He usually goes to the bathroom where I keep the pills while he is here. Because I was having some suspicions about pills going missing I decided to count and write down how many pills of each kind I had before his visit and again after. He must have been taking some when he went to the bathroom everyday because when I recounted after he left I saw I was short 4 pills. Now I don’t know what to do. I am so much in their debt that I do not want to make any trouble for them. I do not know if I should simply move the pills to a more secure spot and not say anything or if I should get involved in their lives and talk to my sister about what is happening. I am not an expert on addiction but he did require some treatment in the past about 10 years ago so maybe he does again. To me however, he seems to be acting quite rationally – for all I know he isn’t even using them himself. I am loathe to act the busybody, but as a health issue, does my sister need to know about this, even though it may cause discord in their marriage.
Read answer →Improving concentration after PTSD treatment
I am an Afghan war vet with PTSD who has gone through some exposure therapy and CBT. I have found the therapy to be very helpful and my symptoms are pretty under control. However, I am studying for an economics degree now and I find that my concentration levels are not always up to the task at hand. They are noticeably worse than they were pre PTSD. Is there anything I can do to improve my ability to concentrate? I do not find the course work here all that difficult…that is when I am able to pay attention for sustained periods to what I am doing!
Read answer →My parents are enabling my alcoholic brother.
How can I convince my parents to stop enabling my brother? He is an alcoholic and he has never really had a job that he can stick with for longer than a few months. He is in his 30s now but he still acts like a child and relies on my parents for everything. They still pay the rent on his apartment so any money he makes he can pretty much just spend it all on alcohol, but even with that he still managed to get evicted for taking that rent money for a couple of months and pouring it down his throat. He was the life of the party in his teens and early 20s, but now all his friends have moved on and he just stays at home alone and drinks by himself. My parents just can’t bear to see him face the consequences of what he’s doing to himself. But how is he ever going to stop when he has this easy life, and my parents are also getting older. What’s going to happen to him when he’s in his 40s and all of a sudden there is no one around to take care of his every need. They need to stop treating him like a child and he needs to man up and start taking care of his own self. He is smart and big and strong and there is no reason why he can’t take care of himself. I am so frustrated because I have worked so hard on him to try to get him to take some responsibility for himself and to try to get him to drink less but I feel like my efforts are just so totally undermined by my parents so it’s just all a waste of time.
Read answer →Too scared for therapy, and sinking in drinking.
I was sexually molested as a child. I have never told anyone about it in real life. Not even my parents know about what happened. I don’t know how to talk about what happened. Now I am 24 and I have real problems with depression and anxiety and drinking. My doctor is recommending antidepressants but I feel like if the way I am feeling now is all caused by the shit I went through as a kid how is taking a pill everyday going to make that all disappear? I feel like if I could get rid of some of the rage and shame I have I wouldn’t need to drink to pass out every night and I wouldn’t feel so scared to fucking talk to another person that I don’t know. How do I get free from this so I won’t need drugs just to feel OK?
Read answer →Pot and Depression
Does marijuana have any impact on depression? I have been a smoker for about 11 years and it is something that I enjoy. Nowadays it is one of the few things I look forward to. I don’t smoke everyday but I Probably smoke 4 or 5 times per week, or whenever I have an evening to myself without work commitments. I think I have some mild depression. My doctor has recommended Zoloft but I am trying to hold off on the medication and I am seeing if my new exercise routine might help. So far it is not really making me feel much better but after a few weeks of exercise I have managed to lose like 5 pounds, so at least that’s something. So long story short, my girlfriend is bugging me to stop smoking pot because she thinks that it is not helping with my depression. I do not know if she is right or not, although it has never before caused me to feel depressed and I have been using it for a long time. However, because it is truly one of the few things in my life right now that brings me any pleasure at all I really don’t want to give that away. At least it gets me out of my head for a while and lets me zone out into a movie or some video games. Given that I have used marijuana for a long time without problems, is my occasional marijuana use likely playing any role in the depression I am feeling right now?
Read answer →Can I save my pill popping sister?
My sister is a 46 year old type 2 diabetic who is also addicted to whatever opiate pills she can get her hands on. She used to be an alcoholic, which is why I think she got the diabetes but she stopped drinking about 6 years ago. Unfortunately, she has recently moved on to something much more dangerous. She moved in with me after her husband passed away last year. If she were not living with me and if was not taking care of her I am convinced that she would be dead right now. I check her blood sugar levels for her all the time because when she gets high enough she just forgest too or doesn’t seem to care enough. There have been times when she was close to death and I have had to slap her awake to try to get her to take some juice in. I don’t know what to do. She will not get help for her addiction and I do not want to see her die so I cannot just kick her out of my house. I feel like I am a prisoner and there is nothing I can do but watch her get so high everyday in my house and worry about her every second. That she is a danger to herself there is no question. Is her inability to manage her own serious diabetes enough to get her committed to the hospital for some treatment?
Read answer →My Wife Worries Too Much
My wife is a wonderful person who worries about things too much. While I sleep like a baby she lies away at night worrying about even the slightest problems in our life. I think the fundamental problem that she has is that she looks at the world in negative way, expecting that the worst will happen and I look at the world sort expecting that things will basically always work out…and if they ever don’t we’ll more than likely be able to deal with what comes in any case. I am always telling her not to worry but of course that doesn’t really help her much! How can I help her to look at the world with a more positive outlook? I really believe that much of the unhappiness in her life is of her own making and that if she could just change her outlook a bit she could be freed from such a lot of worry each day.
Read answer →Religion and addiction
My husband has begged G_d for help with his addiction for years. We all have. Still he has never managed to beat the monster of addiction. Is religion powerless, what does the Torah teach us? We are at our wits end, please help...
Read answer →"Happy" Alcoholic, Sad Family
My brother is an alcoholic and I need to know how much I should do to try to get him to stop drinking. My brother is in his 40s now. He is a lifelong bachelor and has always enjoyed a pretty debaucherous lifestyle. He did really well in Silicon Valley in his twenties and he is pretty much set for life now. We’ve always joked that he is like the real life Charlie Sheen character in the show Two and Half Men. He has always been attractive to women and he likes to sleep late and go out pretty much every night. He also likes to drink and he has never been apologetic about that. In the last couple of years though I can see that something has really changed in him and whereas he used to be sort of a playboy type he is starting to get a lot sloppier and more disjointed and where it used to be about drinking and going out with friends and meeting girls – now it’s just about drinking, mostly alone at home. The alcohol is also ruining his good looks. I popped by unannounced late this morning and I was pretty disturbed by the squalor he was living in. I hadn’t been by in more than a year. He always comes to our place to see the kids. It’s a beautiful house but it was dark and dirty and it smelled and there were empty bottles everywhere you’d turn. I got so upset by the way he was living I actually started crying. I asked him how he could live like this and why he was killing himself with alcohol. He is usually pretty mellow but he got pretty angry and defensive and he asked me to respect his right to live as he pleases. He says he knows he drinks more than is healthy but that it is his body and he’d rather ‘be here for a good time than a long time’ as he put it. He said he doesn’t tell me how to live and he doesn’t need me to tell him how to live. I don’t want to watch him die but if he doesn’t want to change I don’t know what I can do to stop this from happening. As I understand them interventions work when a person denies the problem. My brother doesn’t deny that he drinks too much – he just doesn’t want to stop drinking too much. Is there anything I can do to get him to see that life is to valuable to throw away down a bottle?
Read answer →How long can I let my ex-addict son stay at home?
My 26 year old son came back home to live with us after he went to rehab 3 years ago. He was addicted to meth. He has been doing really well and I have been very proud of the way he has overcome his addiction. When he came back I told him he could stay as long as he liked. But now I wonder if after 3 years it is time for him to move on in his life. He has not found a full time job yet. At first I did not want him to feel any stress or pressure so I thought that this was OK. After 3 years I think that he is just used to living at home and not having to work very hard. He is a kind person and I enjoy his company and it is no imposition to me to have him around. I enjoy it that he lives at home. But I am concerned that because I am trying to support his recovery I am stunting his growth as an adult. How can he start his own family if he lives at home with mom and dad and has no job? My wife says just let it be. He is pleasant to have around and we are financially secure and even though it is not perfect it is far better than the hell we went through when he was using. I don’t know. After 3 years is he ready to be pushed a bit? I don’t want to push him back to drugs but I want him to grow a bit into a self sufficient adult.
Read answer →Should I Forgive My Dying Mother?
I grew up in a very sick family home. Both my mother and father were very emotionally and physically abusive. I don’t want to get into the details about what they did but it was pretty bad and I have the scars and broken bone pains still to remind me of what they did. I left home at 17 and I’ve never been back, even though they only live a couple of hours away. I am 25 now. I have maintained civil relationships with my extended family and will get together with my aunts sometimes for meals. They know that things were really bad for me but it’s like that with time they are all sort of forgetting the bad and trying to push for reconciliation. My mother has cancer now and I guess she has been moaning about missing me and they are all trying to make her dying wishes come true. She told me so many times that she wished I had never been born as she beat me that it is hard for me to get my head around her wanting to resume a relationship with me now. I have no interest in doing so and I would be happy if I never had to think about these people again for the rest of my life because every time I get sucked into thinking or talking about them I just get so consumed with rage and shame and a bunch of black and red feelings that are hard to explain… But now that everyone is trying to get me to go back home to see them again why am I all of a sudden the bad person here when I won’t go? Why is that every time someone asks me to forgive my parents for the past and move forward I almost lose my mind with anger and frustration? Why do I have to start crying and pull out humiliating examples from the past before they’ll back off and accept that I am serious about not wanting to go back home? They made my life hell for 17 years and I won’t let them do it anymore. Why can’t people accept this? Am I really being SELFISH for never wanting to see them again?
Read answer →Should I stay at home with my depression?
I am really having a hard time with depression. I don’t really want to tell people at the office about my diagnosis. I am now on a daily 60 mg of Cymbalta but only a week or so in and not feeling any better yet. I just wish everyone at work would leave me alone. I just can’t bear to talk to anyone these days and It is hard enough for to get my job done without having to spend the energy needed to socialize and I just really can’t be bothered to care about anyone right now. I know that sounds terrible but it is true. I am thinking about applying to work in a remote capacity. My work can be done online and I have the clout to pull the move. My wife, who is the only one who knows I am dealing with this, thinks that this is a bad idea. She is worried that I will become very isolated and this will make my depression worse. She does not know how hard it is for me to walk down that corridor every morning and exchange greetings with people… Would reducing my contact with others have a negative effect on my mood? I feel like taking away anything that is making my life harder right not is the right thing to do, but I am not sure I am able to concentrate enough to really make solid rational decisions either.
Read answer →Should I stay with a dying alcoholic husband?
Before my husband agreed to marry me 4 years ago I had to promise that I would never question his drinking or drug use. That makes it sound like he is a big jerk but actually he is not he is very sweet but his previous marriage had ended because his ex wife couldn’t accept his drinking and he didn’t want to go through that (or put anyone else through that) again. He says that he knows his drinking is not good for him but it is a choice he has made as an adult and that he asks that those around him respect that so long as he does no harm to anyone else. He is financially secure and ok looking and we have a lot of fun together. Maybe I was blind, and foolish but I agreed. He drinks a lot but he never gets angry or violent or causes trouble, and he very rarely even looks drunk, though considering how much I know he has been drinking by about dinner time, he really must be. Now he has very high blood pressure and the doctor says he’ll have a heart attack or a stroke soon unless he stops drinking completely. He is still drinking and I don’t know what to do. I never thought this day would come so soon where I might become a widow (I am only 36). I asked him why he was still drinking and he got furious and reminded me of my promise. Should I break my word and try to get him to stop, even though it will probably ruin my marriage and leave him alone to die or should I just stay with him like I said I would, through good times and bad? It’s so hard to imagine not doing anything, but so many people have tried and failed over the last 20 years to get him to stop drinking maybe it’s foolish for me to think I will be able to do any better.
Read answer →Do Alcoholic Parents Make Alcoholic Children?
I am adopted. My parents were always very moderate drinkers but definitely people who enjoyed a few glasses of wine with a good meal on a Friday night kind of thing. I am 22 now and I enjoy wine with dinner and I also really enjoy heading out to the clubs and having a few drinks or more than a few drinks sometimes and just cutting lose after a hard week at work. I think sometimes that I might enjoy the drinking a little more than the dancing whereas my friends are perhaps of the opposite opinion, but it’s all no big deal. I met my birth mom last week for the first time. She finally consented to see me after a few years of my making a request. When I met her I understood why she hadn’t wanted to meet me. She is an alcoholic and lives in a not very nice place. My real father is no longer in the picture, but I she told me that drugs and alcohol are a problem for him as well. Anyway, because my family grew up in a such a stable upper middle class environment and because I never really saw the effects of drinking I guess I never really thought about it too much in my own life. But seeing my mom and hearing that my dad is the same way is kind of shocking. I certainly do not want to end up where they are in life. I know that alcoholism is in some ways a genetic thing. How worried do I have to be that I will have inherited their alcoholism, even though I grew up in a family without any?
Read answer →How to deal with a alcoholic retired father
My dad was always kind of a heavy drinker but he kept it under control while he was working, but since he retired a couple of years ago he’s really gone crazy with the booze and now he starts drinking in the morning and he’s drunk pretty much all day long. He lives with my family in a small guest house out back, so we are front row spectators to what he gets up to every day. I love him and he has always been very good to me and this is very hard for me to watch, and sometimes when he gets drunk he becomes quite belligerent and difficult to deal with. I am at my wits end with him and I don’t know what to do. A friend of mine recommended I check out alanon as a group that might be good for support, but when I looked at it I saw that it is all about surrendering to a god and powerlessness. I don’t believe in god and I am not looking for any kind of group that will tell me what I can’t do to make things better, I want to find a group of people who will help me to actually make things better. Are there any other groups that operate as support for family members of alcoholics that do not operate on this faith based 12 step model?
Read answer →Addicted to Coke or Bike?
My husband is a real type A driven guy. He recently completed a stay in rehab for a cocaine addiction that had developed over the last couple of years. He is doing really well and we are all very proud of him. One of the things that really helped him stay clean after rehab was lots of exercise. Whenever he was having trouble dealing with the way he was feeling he’d hop on his bike and spin out 30 or 40 or 50 miles and he’d come home feeling a lot better. I am not sure if I have a legitimate concern here, but it seems to me now that he is getting addicted to exercise. I am not even sure if this is a bad thing or not, but he has gotten really intense about getting his daily training time in and he is spending a lot of hours each day out riding. He has never been a real in-moderation kind of person and now when he can’t get his riding time in, for whatever reason, he gets really cranky and bad tempered and hard to be around. It’s like the exercise has to come first and no matter how valid the reason for not doing it, like when he had the flu a couple of weeks ago, he just can’t accept it in his head. Is this something I should be worried about? I guess being an exercise fanatic is pretty far preferable to being a cocaine addict, but there is just something compulsive and fanatical about the way he is doing this that sets of some alarm bells in my head. Should I be worried or should I just let him do what he needs to do?
Read answer →Son on drugs, no job, feels hopeless
I have a 24year old son that his senior year, less then a month before graduation he was in a near fatal car wreck as a passanger. with the injuries that he sustained he lost three college scholorships offers for sports, football and baseball. He was a star player in both, his dream was to play profootball. at that point he started heavily drinking and I believe got hooked on his painkillers, even though he says he did not. We then thought his life was going to turn around 2years later. he was going to start college and go as a walk on for the razorbacks football, but a month and ahalf before that two boys broke into our house and attacked him while he slept and he is now permently blind in his left eye and cannot play any sports again in his life, because one hard hit to his head could cause him to bleed to death. At that time he kept it together because he had a daughter on the way. Just after she turned 1 the mother left and went back to mo. because of her parents and she filed custody papers asking for sole custody and for no visits for my son, I beleave it is because of my sons race. He is half blace and the mother is white and her father father is a raciest. Now my sons hard drinking and drug use has started again and I am at my wits end on what needs to be done. any advise would be most helpful. he does not have a job so he has no money to pay for rehab.
Read answer →Emotional change after an accident
My boyfriend and I were in a terrible car accident a couple of weeks ago. I was not badly injured but Tony was. He was driving a vintage VW bug and we got hit hard by a truck running a red light and his leg was crushed and trapped in the frame and there was a lot of blood all over his head and he was in such a lot of pain. They had to use the jaws of life to get him out and I thought for sure he was going to die. He is going to be OK and will probably even walk normally again in time, but I am now left to care for him during his recovery. We have been living together for years and I love him so we are basically married and so taking care of him should be no big deal. But now I find that I am just so irritated by everything he does and I just feel no love for him anymore. I know this is terrible, because he is doing nothing wrong and is actually a very considerate patient. I try to hide how I am feeling but he can see it in my eyes so I am not doing a very god job of it. Why am I feeling like this? I feel like I am such a terrible person, after all, I got out with scratches and bruises and he is so badly injured and now I’m so testy with him all the time. Is the way I am feeling going to go away?
Read answer →Depression in Terminal Cancer
My father has pancreatic cancer and his prognosis is not good. My wife and I are his primary caregivers and he lives with us. Since his diagnosis 2 months ago he seems to have become quite depressed but he won’t admit to it and he gets quite irate when I bring up his talking to someone about his mental health. He may not have much longer than a year left with us and I want to see him get as much life and joy as he can out of what time he has left but how can I cheer him up when doesn’t want to get any help, and when, to be honest, he has a very good reason to be feeling down?
Read answer →Winter Depression
I've had frequent bouts of depression during the winter months. Are there particular reasons for and strategies against winter depression in particular? I am getting really anxious now that the next winter approaches... I even considered relocating to Florida (sadly, it is impracticable as I am the CEO of a company here in the north).
Read answer →What to say to your kid when he and hubby smoke weed
My husband has been a daily marijuana user for the last 25 years, since before I ever knew him. It’s not ideal but it’s just who he is and he held a good steady job for all that time and never been in trouble with the police or anything like that. I don’t think he is able or willing to change, and he doesn’t really think he should have to. My teenage son however has been quick to point out our hypocrisy. He was suspended at school last week after a teacher caught him with a group of students who were smoking a joint. It couldn’t be proven that he had actually been smoking himself or he would have been expelled. We grounded him for using drugs but he has long known of his dad’s ‘secret’ and so he is pretty reluctant to listen to anything we have to say on the matter. I have known so many people who were harmed by drugs and alcohol and I really don’t want to see my son go down that road. What can I say or do to convince him that even though his dad is able to smoke marijuana without having much trouble with it, most people aren’t so lucky and drugs and alcohol often end up in pain and suffering for all those involved. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Read answer →Depression in different cultures
I have an undergraduate psych degree but have never used it for much of anything, but the study of the mind has always interested me. Having lived in a number of Buddhist countries it seems to me that depression is much less of a problem in these countries than it is here back home. I see that mindfulness is now a recommended method for dealing with mental health problems. Is there any research that suggests that certain cultures are better protected against mental illness due to their underlying world-view and philosophy of life?
Read answer →Loving an Addict
My uncle lives with now us and he is a very nice guy and I love him but he has a real drinking problem. He is on disability and does not work. My mom also drinks. There’s like an unwritten law in my family that YOU DO NOT DISCUSS anyones drinking. It was easier to love him when he lived 600 miles away. He is a nice guy but he can get kind of aggressive when drunk, which is a lot of the time. Last weekend he picked a fight with some people I know outside of a bar and I had to get involved to help defend him from the ass kicking he was about to get. Now I’ve got a problem with these people and the truth is if I were in their shoes, I’d have wanted to fight him too, he was totally in the wrong. I don’t know what I should do anymore. I can’t leave him to get beats and I can’t always be fighting his fights, especially when he is wrong. Am I enabling him by defending him from people that want to hurt him…since he’s going to go out and pick that same fight a few nights later? My mom doesn’t want to hear anything about my doing anything but fighting on the side of family. To her, he can do no wrong.
Read answer →Life changes after a near death experience
I was in a bad car accident a couple of months ago and I am still recovering physically from my injuries. At one point, in the early days, my sister told me that the doctors weren’t sure that I would live. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life since I’ve been laid up in bed and I am worried that I am wasting it. I am already middle aged and I have yet to live any of my dreams. My life has become a terrible suburban boring cliché. Once I am physically able I want to pull the kids from school( aged 9 and 11) get rid of the house and the life-sucking mortgage and see the world as a family for as long as the money will last. I feel like my eyes have been opened and the world is there for the taking and I am more excited about his than I have been about anything for a long time. My wife, however, is not so sure my suggestion is the best thing to do and she is more in favor of baby steps. She says my whole plan is just a reaction to the trauma I’ve experienced – and she’s right! But I don’t see this as a bad thing and I feel like if we don’t really go for it whole-hog we’ll just get dragged back into our everyday life and responsibilities and we’ll miss this window of opportunity to do something great for once in our adult lives. Anyway, this is obviously something for us to sort through as a couple, but what I would like your expertise on is, in your experience, are the life changes people make after a near-death experience usually a mistake, or more normally a case of people finally seizing life by the throat and living it as it should be lived!?
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