Telling depends on the nature of the awkwardness --- your guilt or the expression of her dissatisfaction in the marriage.

Question

I had an affair and I am fairly sure but not completely sure that my wife knows about it. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I was going through a bit of a life crisis and I just made a mistake and I realize now that I never want to do this again. I ended things over a month ago. Now things are awkward between my wife and I. I want to earn back her trust but I am in the weird position of not knowing if she knows or not why I wouldn’t be deserving of it in the first place. I am never going to cheat again. Should I admit to the affair to clear the air or if she hasn’t brought it up does that mean she’d rather not talk about it/doesn’t already know. The last thing I want to do is cause her any pain.

Dr. Shirley Schaye · Accepted Answer

I am very sorry to hear about how you are feeling and about what has happened. In order to provide you with help I would need to know a little more about what is going on. You mentioned that things are awkward. Are things awkward because of your guilt or because your wife is showing signs of either distancing herself from you or some other feelings that show her dissatisfaction? So we need to determine what is the source of the awkwardness. If it because your wife is showing discontent then I think the best thing for you to do is suggest that you both see a marriage therapist. Having an objective third person who is a professional would be the best way for dealing with the underlying cause of your wife's discontent, if that's so, to revealing the affair. If the awkwardness has to do more with you and your guilt, then I would strongly suggest that rather than telling her that you first discuss this matter with a therapist and deal with your guilt there.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

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