Answered questions(23)
Why Ultimatums Don't Work
My wife is becoming an alcoholic. I think it is still in the early stages but it is clear that she has a problem that she will not admit to and that she is very defensive about. To give you an example, when we went to a cottage for a week and she brought 5 bottles of wine and I actually thought that she was cutting down and I was happy. Then later I found empty bottles of vodka that she must have hidden. I confronted her on this but she denied hiding them (but she did) and that she was on vacation and that was why she was drinking more than normal. She was so furious that I would dare criticize her drinking. She always throws all her accomplishments in my face as if that makes it OK. I know at least one of her good friends has mentioned her drinking to her. She used to keep it at home but now when she goes out for dinner or drinks with friends she does not control herself like she used to. It is obvious that she is sliding down quickly. I am at a loss about what to do and we are barely talking because she is so angry with me because I won’t pretend I don’t notice her getting drunk anymore. Now that I have called it out it is like a big wedge between us. I don’t know what to do. Should I give her an ultimatum to force her to go to rehab? I know she loves me but she is so angry and out of control right now I think she might choose alcohol over anything else.
Read answer →Serenity During the In Between Times
My girlfriend relapsed on heroin back in May and we recently moved in with her mom to get away from high risk places. I work during the day, and she stays home with her mom in between going to the methadone clinic and going to meetings. I've been very concerned lately because her mom is severely depressed (2 suicide attempts) and has a tendency to project her moods and narcissistic outlook onto my girlfriend (who appears to be doing everything she can to do the right thing for her recovery). It's almost like her mom is happy now that my girlfriend is home to take care of her even though my girlfriend needs to focus on herself and is in no position to play the adult figure. I know in my heart that my girlfriend's disease stems from some very troubling things that happened with her mother in the past, but I don't know what to do. And to make things more complicated for my girlfriend and I is that some days her mother is fine, but others she is completely self absorbed and consumed by her depression. I don't think I'd be able to afford finding a new place for us to live at the moment. Help!
Read answer →Supporting and not Enabling
My son is a heavy marijuana addict. He smokes all day long. He is not employed and he has no interest in changing. For personal reasons I do not want to ask him to leave though at 26 he is a legal adult. He is not diagnosed but he is definitely struggling with mental health issues on top of his addictions. He will not see another counselor. At this moment in his life I just want to keep the peace in the house as much as I can and try to help him move in the right direction and also help him with a harm reduction approach. He is basically ambivalent about cutting down his marijuana smoking. He agrees that he smokes more than he should but he is not willing to do anything serious to try to cut down (like see a counselor or go to NA meetings (He has been to these before and he did not care for them). I would like to help him cut down but I can’t come across as threatening or he will rebel against my wishes. Can you advise me on some baby steps I can use to get him to gradually move in the direction of cutting down?
Read answer →Rescuing and Denial of Self
I've been going through a bit of a crisis and I need help. A little over a year ago my family discovered that my sister was addicted to prescription drugs. She stole almost all of my parents savings as well as family items etc. Within a year of my sister's situation, my girlfriend, who had been in recovery for heroin addiction for three years, relapsed. On top of that, I've had my own issues with substance abuse and alcohol. My resentment, anger, fear, and overall anxiety and self-doubt is taking a major toll on me. My family turned their back on my girlfriend, but I chose to support her. But when my mind starts racing, I lose control of my emotions and feel that I'm not strong enough to handle things. I don't know what to do.
Read answer →This is Your Wake Up Call
Dear Jim, The question I have is this. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years married for almost 2. I met him in a bar but had no idea on how extensive his drinking was until further in the relationship when I would find empty whiskey bottles hidden around our house. He seems to be verbally and some times physically abusive. Last year I kicked him out I filed for divorce and then decided to give him another chance. During the time when I kicked him out is was because of his excessive drinking his behavior ect. I had to call the cops and he ended up getting a year probation, a fine, had to be alcohol tested 2 x per month and attend anger management classes. During the testing I had caught him drinking a few times and mind you it is whiskey straight from the bottle! He promises he wants to quit drinking and be a better person. We are in an apartment and our lease is coming to be final and I have to give them notice by April 1st. He wanted to go to marriage counseling so we have been 3 times. I do not understand why he wants this marriage to work and he never learns from anything he has been through. I am his first marriage he has no children and he is my 3 marriage. He is 41 myself 50. He came home the other morning around 11:30 from a trip to the store. I thought for sure he was drinking. Sure enough I went out to his car and under his seat was an EMPTY bottle of whiskey. He did admit he drank half the day before and the rest upon his trip to the store. I don't understand what he is not getting about our marriage and that I am ready to not sign the lease. I feel in my heart for what ever reason he choses to sneak and lie about his drinking and I keep staying. I am looking for advice on what I should do??? I can see he is not going to change as with everything he has been through. He even told me the other day that when he would go for his alcohol testing he knew he would not get tested right away again so it was like he would go out and reward himself with alcohol.....What???? Is there something screwed up in his head or what. He has been working a temp job and has had many jobs since I have known him.....I am confused..Melinda
Read answer →Rocking the Cradle between a Rock and a Hard Place
My dad and his new wife took my son from me when I was smoking crack. I knew it was the best thing so I didnt fight them. Now I have been clean for 6 months and I go to NA every day. My son is 14 months old now. My dad doesnt say much but she says I’m not ready to be a parent. My sponsor says I am not ready. But I know I am ready. I have a job and an apartment and if they will babysit for me in the day then I can take him home every night. They say they wont because they know I cant afford daycare. How can I convince them that I am ready and that my son needs to be with me? I feel like she is trying to steal my son from me and my dad just doesnt want to piss her off even though he knows I am right. He just keeps saying give it another month but after a while my son isnt even going to think I’m his mom.
Read answer →50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
My boyfriend was addicted to crack. He was arrested for possession in August 2011 and he had to do a 6 month outpatient program. I met him after he had already quit. He was open about his past and I told him if he ever went back to crack or drugs I would not stick around. I have been with a crackhead partner before and I won’t do it again. Now he is starting to drink alcohol. The last month he has had beer every day and he has been drunk a few times and he has been acting really jumpy like he is high on crack. I think he is getting high but I never see him using and I am with him all the time so I am confused. Is there another kind of drug that would make him look like he is high on crack?
Read answer →Powerlessness When Our Loved Ones are Hurting
My daughter is married to an alcoholic and is attending alanon. She has taken alanon steps and is now just worrying about herself and her children. She says she is happier then she has been in months, but yesterday seemed very depressed and admitted to me that a few days ago was also very depressed. She does not want us to discuss her situation and basically have told us to butt out. We are following her wishes. But the depression is very worrisome to me. Her husband also gives her no financial support and she is barely making ends meet on her salary. Do you think divorce would be the best thing for her?
Read answer →What is he thinking?
Hi... Yesterday I left my spouse at the hotel we stayed at for holiday. He had been drinking "in secret" and refused to get in the car to go home. He kept saying leave my sh*t and go. I told him about 5 times I was leaving him there and finally gave one last warning. Then I did something I never thought I could do....I left him there! I drove away and went home! I left him a couple hours from home with his luggage. It's been nearly 48 hours and no word. No activity on his phone at all. What could he possibly be thinking? What do I do now? Please give me some insight. Hurt & Confused
Read answer →Having the Right to Drink
My brother says I need to mind my own business because he is only hurting himself with his drinking and since he is not harming anyone else everyone else should just shut up and let him be in peace. I do not think this is true. How can watching your brother drink himself to death not be harmful to everyone else in the family? How do I get him to see this? I try to explain this to him but he won’t hear it. The words won’t go in to his brain.
Read answer →Uncertainty & Optimism
My sister has asked to borrow quite a bit of money from me to open up a restaurant with her husband. I am inclined to loan her the money because I think she is talented and experienced and also because she is my little sister. When she and her husband came to ask for the money they also told me that her husband was on methadone and that he had been for 10 months. They said it was not a big deal but that they didn’t want me to find out from someone else after the fact and think that they had been hiding it to get the loan. I guess he got addicted to painkillers after back surgery a few years ago. I never knew that it was a problem but I guess it got pretty bad for a while. Anyway, I don’t know much about methadone. If he has been OK for 10 months does that mean he is going to be OK for ever, probably? I know that you cannot give guarantees but do you think it is likely going to be a problem for them in this upcoming business venture, considering that he has been clean for almost a year now already.
Read answer →Letting Go While Holding On
After my girlfriend got out of rehab she instantly began using again and was seeing a man (whom she met in the inpatient program) to get new connections and continue getting heroin, now injecting instead of inhalation. When I found out I ended the relationship in an explosion of tears and yelling. But after sending her a letter explaining exactly how she had hurt me (including a painful, humiliating description of the std tests I went through) she got a hold of me and we began talking again. She is now about 90 days sober and living well. We are also back together. However I can't seem to find where to start rebuilding my trust in her. She now goes to NA and AA meetings every other day and socializes at sober parties which I can not attend due to distance, work, and privacy reason but I can't seem to trust her. I believe that she is sober now but I find myself completely distrusting the programs that socialized her with people who were forced into sobriety- and thus lead to the infidelity and relapse. How do I find where to start rebuilding my trust with her and with her programs? I would never share with her my complete distrust in her choice of paths through sobriety, but I find myself still writhing from the pain she put me through. It seems that while she's living it up with her new friends I'm still living the pain of the old times with no closure.
Read answer →The Worst Type of Powerlessness
What do I do if I know my daughter in law is doing drugs while pregnant with my first grandchild? She has had an off again on again relationship with my son for 5 years and both have had problems with drugs and drinking. My son told me she is still doing cocaine and meth once in a while and smoking marijuana daily though at least she is no longer drinking, he says. I tried calling her but she won’t talk to me. Is there anything I can do to protect my future grandchild?
Read answer →Take My Wife...Please
I want her to change. She is so embarrassing when she is drunk which is every night. I never know if she is going to yell at me for nothing or crawl into bed to try and snuggle with me and then ends up just passing out in my bed smelling like disgusting ALCOHOL and I have to sleep on the floor. She is a good mom and I don’t want to hurt her but when I try to bring it up in the morning she makes it into a joke or gets angry at me for being a drama queen. I made a video of her and I just showed it to her and now she is locked in her room crying. Did I make a mistake?
Read answer →Labels Never Tell the Whole Story
Jim, I read your article "Understanding the Insanity of Alcoholism" and found it so informative but I have a personal question. I am now divorced and trying to make sense whether my marriage ended because of his alcohol use or if he was just abusive by nature. He was a stay-at-home drinker (3-5 drinks per night), came from family of alcoholics but hid it very well so that the first 8 years of marriage I never saw him drink at all but he engaged in this campaign of blackening my name behind my back to friends & his family after I asked about his drinking the last 5 years. He escalated to causing fights then running off to gamble and at the end abandoned me when I faced a major surgery. He stayed in the house, paid no bills and starting using escort services and later he may have had several affairs. If I never saw him drunk or even "tipsy" what do you think I was dealing with? As a note, the last 2 years he did start to hide bottles in garage & that is what started my suspicions. Just curious if you can help my mind put this to rest.
Read answer →Acceptance Yields Freedom
Hello Jim LaPierre. My name is Cristina and i came from Portugal. I live since 4 years in Germany. My husband is german and alcohcolic. He have made in is life 3 long therapies. was sober for 5 years but he drinks at the moment very heavy... He have put me out of the house. I´m guilty for everything... Tryes to put everyone against me. I have write to him a very long brief since he dont speak. 5 days its gone and i dont became any reply from him. I only know that he goes more depressed. Would you be so kind and if you have the time, to tell me if you think that this letter have made "light" on his heart... """ I would like to say same words that are in my heart but also in my throat… I've taken your advice and since 5 weeks I go to a therapeut, and he thinks it’s also a good idea to write to you. I would like to start by calling your obsession (drinking) your Lover. When you see this word you will know from what I´m talking about. You say that i don't get more, that I have all, too much… . From your Lover I became ALL! Too much pain, hurt, lost of respect, lost of my husband, lost of my home (and I don’t mean house). An ax on the table, a television command flying in my head, a head butt, charged words with hate jealous of sadness aggression. A life and plans for a beautiful future completely destroyed, reduced to powder. Go the police or the judge? It is your right do to so And say what? That from the 5 days that you gave your Portuguese woman living in Germany, without any family, only her husband, to leave the house and she came out with 50.00 euros in her pocket and no job and no place to live or possibility... That same woman after she was out came again to you for 2 times and have clean your home, or when you made the farewell dinner for her that was only to humiliate her before the family , she still came back the next day to clean the kitchen, the bathroom, wash your clothes and even sat at the table with you to eat. That same woman that has respect you as a husband, person and human being. That had to ask your ex-wife for help to find one place to live ... your ex-wife ... Who lives in the house of your former father in law ... The same woman that never have said to you that you must go out and find a normal job like everyone and bring money to the house. The woman that have respect your freedom so that you make with your professional and private life what you wish. The woman that gave you power to show your paintings.The woman that don’t gave you power to open the tattoo studio in Oberndorf… The same woman that says to your daughters to have hope that you will go back to be the Papa they both love and that says that the Love they have for you will heal all. The woman who have not steal you anything, that have not destroy anything of yours, who respected and continue to respect your name and your property. That have not beat you physically or verbally. I am not and will never be as certain people from your past, no matter how much your Lover wants to make me an aggressor! My heart was always love and is full of love that will die! The intervention when your Mother, Ulrike, and your daughters were there in the house on December 29, I see and I realize now that it was arrogant of me! I never had the right to require you that you'd stop drinking. It would have to come from you that will. But I did for love and everything that is done for love should be forgiven. For this mystake I will regret the rest of my life. It was never my intention to point the finger at you or humiliate you !!! But it was very sad and frustrating to realize that you wanted not more being away from your Lover and realize that she would take you from us again ... Freedom is your greatest wish !? Irony that you are not free ... You're yes prisoner of your Lover. That every day you captivates more and more from you until you have anything more to offer ... Still she will continue to require from you the loyalty and dedication that she needs ... Until there is nothing left of you … I am not an aggressor as you are not aggressor !!! We are all, you also victims! Victims of your Lover !!! Timo, complete and whole MAN. Son, father, brother, husband, friend, artist, thinker, Sensitive, Human. Person with so many gifts and possibilities. Full of defects but loved with these same defects. What good it would be if one day you could get out of your mask of arrogance and manipulation and look yourself in the mirror and see the HUMAN that it reflects and that you could love HIM. What good it would it be if you look inside your heart and understand that what your Lover gives you is so little compared to what you are! To Timo with a 12 years boy Soul, I just want to thank! All!!! And there would never be enough words or paper to express the gratitude for what this Human taught me and showed me. For teaching me to cook, playing xadrez, for teaching me to like me, for believing in me and in my abilities, to challenge me every day, working on me to want to learn more, the unconditional friendship, for always being by my side. Helping me to study, to learn German, with homework. The wonderful attitudes that he had to me in my days of sadness, tears that he cleansed me and kissed my mouth. Who showed me a country that i have learned to love that showed me so many beautiful and inspiring places that inspired my Soul. That showed me in my country so many wonderful sites. That gave me a family that I love like my real family. Thank you for the love and affection you have for Portugal and with my friends. Thank you for helping me with my obsession with the diazepam. That urged me to learn to ride a bike. That urged me to like to walk, so I lose weight. Who challenged me to lose my fears. Thank all that he built for me or for us. All that he created to make me happy to show me how much he loved me. All the dreams that have come true and also the dreams that were not fulfilled. Thank you for the music, the evenings fireplace. By sunny days. Thank you for the honor of choosing me to be your wife and use your name. Thanks for the amazing orgasms, the caress of the skin. For helping me to free myself sexually. Thank you for your madness that made me too crazy in your hands, in your skin in your sex. My body hurts until today longing for yours. From your smell, from your touch. Sex, love, pleasure, feeling. Thanks for touching my soul. The small Portuguese that became your wife in soul and heart still loves you and will love you to death. And you know I do not need a man to live. I will follow my own life. The love that I always felt for you will always be enough to make me smile. Say many thanks to your Lover for me, that she have taken me the future that was still to live, but also say to her that she didn't win!!! The past and what I have lived and enjoyed and feel and loved is in my memories in my skin in my heart deep in my soul!!! And this she or anyone cannot take from me, never!"""" Many thanks and best regards Cristina Santos Serrer
Read answer →Rcok and a Hard Place
Hello, I have a 20year old daughter who is a heroin addict and It's the most horrifying thing I have ever been through even worse than the gang stalking I have went through for the last 10 yrs...anyway that is a separate problem. I am trying to do the tough love thing and it was finally forced on me because my daughter was kicked out basically for addiction and she has caused me to almost be evicted because of her outbursts and drug use at my house. It has been very hard for me to do considering she was assaulted a few years ago and that is when she became a heroin addict. (it goes deeper than just that) and since I am a target, I feel that she is and has been in danger. So sometimes if she comes over and I see that she looks really bad off, tired and dirty, that as a mom I let her stay a night or two, risking losing my place. I feel I am suppose to use my mother instincts as well and I am just extra worried about her on the streets and I cry everyday when I think about her out there getting high and men taking advantage of her and just treating her bad and her being so out of it that who knows what happens! I want to move out of this town and possibly get a place with my sister and kids somewhere, and the only problem is my daughter cant go like she is so I want to get her clean so that I can take her away from here but I havent got her detox or inpatient yet because where I live there isnt anything free and they want high down payments that I just dont have. She said she would get help if she got detox and inpatient and so now I am so sad that I just cant put her in right away when she says that because I cant afford it!! I feel so sad and guilty like she is waiting on me now. I have to move! When it comes down to it, what if I set it up in another city, what if she wont go right away and so I have no idea the order to do this and also do you have to live in a town to use their resources? I have many questions but I want to know, how long should I wait for her to get clean before I go on with my life? I cant sleep good I am constantly worried and ill be 40 next month and so I feel my life is passing by and I just want to get out of here and away from negative people myself etc. I cant leave her here on the streets what if something happens to her! But also maybe I need to move and hope she follow? I cant budge I am frozen with stress alone and harassed stalked etc....what should I do? Also a good man from high school offered me to move to where he is and anyway, do I wait for her or do I go on? I feel too sad but I need to know what a professional would tell me. I am so depressed, sad and angry that I feel I am losing my mind and i already get SSI for being terrorized and so decisions are too hard for me and the evil is trying to suck me in and I just need away from here and so does she. I feel they have did this to control and trap me from leaving by getting her to where she is it seems to me and I am at wits end. What would you do?
Read answer →Affected Other and the Hardest Choices a Person Can Make
hi there....our 24 yrd old son lives at home with us. he is an alcohol. he cant hold down a job he does stay sober for 10 to 12 days then drinks for 3 days straight. My husband is ready to leave our home. he cant take it anymore. We brought our son home about 3 months ago I was afraid he would die out in the streets. He has completed 3 rehabs . he has living in sober living but ends up getting thrown out. He has no where to go to live. No family members want him around when he is drunk. he is an awesome young man when he is sober. I don't know what to do anymore my husband wants him to leave or he will leave I have to choose my son or my husband Im so torn and so desperate im afriaid if we throw our son out that he will die due to someone killing him because of his mouth or he will kill someone while driving. I keep him home to try to avoid this. Im dying inside. im afraid to lose another son I lost my 18yrd son about 14yrs ago in a car accident it was accident no drugs or any kind of substance was involved . my husband is its him or our son that has to go....im so torn I understand my husband point
Read answer →Of All that You Can Choose, Choose You
Hello. My husband is engaging in acting out behaviors, going out, drinking, getting drunk, not listening, wanting to do whatever he wants, irritable, grumpy, drinking at home at the point of passing out, and then getting sick the next day. He missed work this week 2 days because he got so ill. We are currently having a long distance relationship trying to save money so we can relocate and move together, but this is truly not helping us get there and if it's not one thing is another. What do I do? I fought with him and told him we should divorce but that is obviously not what I want...what can i do when he does not accept that he has a problem, and won't seek help or let anyone help. This is destroying our family and destroying me! :(
Read answer →People with Good Intentions Say Dumb Things
I get accused of enabling by the rest of my family since I let my younger brother stay in my basement and help him out with some spending money in return for odd jobs (he isn't really able to do much so it's mostly just charity.) He gets completely drunk everyday and his liver is already very damaged. I have come to the conclusion that after 20 years of drama that he will never stop and basically that is his choice. If I did not let him live here I think he would be on the streets, and he would just be a homeless person that begs and drinks. I prefer to save him from that fate and let him have a little dignity. Is this enabling?
Read answer →Relationships & Relpase
Hi Jim, I am not living with an addict, but instead have fallen in-love with an individual in recovery. Sober since May 2010 and very active in AA, she is so inspiring to me and I feel lucky to have even met her. I grew up with an alcoholic Mother who to this day is in denial. I have been involved with Al-Anon on and off throughout my adult years. Now that the foundation is set, here is my dilemma. My new love recently showed some character defects that I am not okay with. She however is so honest about them and acknowledges the negative seeking behavior and creating chaos ways that its hard to be upset. I appreciate her honesty and commitment to continual growth. She is so real and refreshing. I am finding though I do not know how to respond when such incidents happen. My fear is I never want to be a contributing factor to her relapse and I know relationships are number one cause. However, I can not just sit in silence cause when I do that upsets her too. How do I effectively communicate with such a delicate situation. I am in love with her, she is worth it and I feel blessed, but unequipped. Any advice? Thank you in advance.
Read answer →Life on Life's Ters
Hello Jim - I recently ended a 2yr on/off again relationship with a high functioning alcoholic that I loved deeply. Our time together when he was sober was so spectacular that it kept me around during the drunk craziness far longer than good judgement would dictate. I did finally reach my limit after an over the top debacle with his drinking, and left with the decision that I really had to stay gone. He'd gone thru periods of quitting before but it never stuck & I just didn't believe him any longer. Now of course, he's contacted me with the news that he's quit & started Antabuse which was what he used years ago to quit drinking & subsequently stayed sober for 12 yrs. He sounds clear headed & shared friends back this up. My question is, when do you take the leap of faith & believe? I want him to prove it to me; stay sober & take it slow in repairing our relationship. He wants me back now; fully commit, move in, all or nothing, no waiting. A life with him sober would be wonderful & I don't want to miss out on that chance yet the self preservation part of my brain is shouting out Warning! What are your thoughts? I'm terribly conflicted; can't let him go yet can't seem to go back. Thank you. Kal
Read answer →Letting Go
Lived 6 years with the addict. 3 years in we had a theft. He blamed my son and said he never felt the same way about after the theft. I dont know how it was my fault. We stayed together me harping all the time about his drinking. After 7 years being together i began Alanon and was no longerhis drinking partner. I found out he was cheating one day and confronted him. He moved out that very day into her apt. He said he loved her. He took almost a year before he said those words to me. She is a bartender in our small town. How can 2 alkies be together. I just bewildered that his brother died age 40 of alcoholism and this did not wake him up to the reality he could die. Instead he says I dont deserve an alcoholic and find someone like me. Also shortly one night he came home drunk and tried to hug me then said never mind you just think I'm a drunk. I can't understand how he can be happy. I keep thinking now he is with her he will be happy and quit drinking. That's not realistic. He is an alcoholic as she is too. Both hv jobs. Help me I'm so crushed by all this devastation.
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